Dearest unseen readers,
The beautiful stories I used to write about him, my life with him, the songs and memories we create together, I was recently forced to question the authenticity of them all. I struggle to write this but my heart is heavy and I have this urge to write this sorrow. I break a little more each day for twice now, he has said he wants to leave. I fear the last goodbye could come too soon.
I could see him struggle and feel his unhappiness. He is definitely a new man. He admits that he is no longer the same person as he was before. The lost opportunities, the untaken paths, the unsaid words, the things he regretted. It’s true that our love before outshone these unspoken, unseen, struggles but looking back, I wished too I had listen and beseech to mine, to pause and allow him grow; to wait and be patient, to love at our own pace.
The damage is done.
Time heals scars but I fear this scar is too deep, for the love I have for him is strong. If we cannot undo what’s done, can’t we make better now? If it’s sure that we can, then can’t we do it together?
He implies life could be better. Different.
Without me and the baby.
He feels sorry for me, for he has led me this far.
Truth is, I don’t want him to feel sorry but love me back, the way he used to.
We are still under the same roof, where will life lead us next?
Signing off with much distress,
the flower that used to bloom.
The last post was May 1st, 2013- wow, has it been that long?
I wouldn’t say that the urge to write was not there in the last three years but life definitely has kept me really busy and occupied. In retrospect, much has changed and developed. I am now married with the one I truly love, who showed me the stars and songs of the soul, and have dedicated my work life in saving the planet. It does sound lovely putting it that way but boy, has the journey been a wild one.
With half of my body sore, unable to fully operate optimally just yet, I return to floweret. This time, with a whole new perspective to write. Notes to my baby Amber, whom I love and cherish, more than anything in the world.
I wouldn’t like to let chance dictate what life would’ve been like if I had chose to separate and allow time and chance to decide our fate.
If both are willing, why should I let us down?
I’m writing this down lest doubt gets the better of me.
I’ve not been this far from home, from my family, from my loved ones for more than a week or two. Reaching home was always a maximum of about an hour and a half drive away – this time it’s many nautical miles. And along this journey, through the urban forest, I sometimes wonder the significance of it all – of my pursuit, of this place, of the future.
People here walk fast, rushes as they board and alight the trains, they consume as fast as they earn their wages. Boarding the train and watching them, it all seems like each living body is occupied by his own realm of reality shaped in the minds as the scene outside passes by like moving pictures. Chain of thoughts only abruptly shaken when the train stops.
I never truly liked being surrounded by tall buildings, skyscrapers, bright neon lights, glaring commercials and advertisements – never liked being around them too long. I guess it is a lot better here compared to some other countries- least big trees and gardens are found amidst the nearly organised buildings and busy roads.
I now work as an intern in a big garden where good trees are grown and managed, ponds are filled with koi and many scientific research are made. Let me find the inner peace through this in this one big concrete jungle.