To Bloom Like the Wild Flowers.

I’ve not felt like this for awhile now but I certainly don’t yearn for it. I really dislike it when I am obligated to do little sometimes unnecessary things at particular instances.

I was told not long ago to: “Just think of what you just said” in a very stern way.

What I said?

this: “I don’t know what’s the big deal anyway, everyone should just die. Die earlier the better.”

She was furious of course.

Nope, my day so far wasn’t smooth nor interesting in any way nor has it been dandy.

I must write this down, for it has been bothering me – emotionally.

Readers, I must kindly ask you to stop reading. There’s nothing fruitful or entertaining for whatever is written below.

But if you are curious, well…

I came back home from a short lecture followed by a two-hours meeting, the weather was utterly hot – an ectotherm would have preferred shaded area and basking would have baked them hot-hot black-rough. But anyway, I got home hands full, was carrying too many stuff – papers slipped from my grip, bags started falling onto the floor – I was sweating already and trying to open the door. I eventually did with my foot. The first thing I was expected to do was SMILE BIG AND SAY HELLO to an old lady sitting on the couch. No, I could not summon any cheerfulness in me to do such. So, I had walked straight to dump everything onto the table. After all that fuss, they were STILL EXPECTING ME TO SAY HELLO. I didn’t. I just sat, turned on a laptop and watched movie while eating McD’s burger.  Apparently, that went sour.

Another lady then have warned me to be very careful with my temper. It’s true, I do have problems with “anger management” and “temper control”. I’ve known that since I was ten I think. I’m not sure whether I have improved but there were times when it occur to me – why on earth am I controlling every bloody temper I have to float everybody’s boat. Oh, I did… I did think of many ways to control my anger – I guess I’m getting better at it to the point where if I am seen angry or annoyed – everybody make a big fuss about it. Deep sigh*. So the lady who warned me apparently had worse a temper. What I did though when she told me such, I smiled. sincerely actually. Not until a while later when it hit me – why the heck was I told something like that at such odd timing. It was literally out of nowhere. Neither of us were anywhere close to an argument or even heated discussion.

…

What’s wrong if I say die earlier, the better? Aren’t we all drawing closer to our deathbed with each passing day? What’s so bad or cruel about saying something like that? Good comebacks include: “oh yeah, but not today honey..” or “give me a few more years till I get my dream house”..would do just fucking fine.  IN FUCKING ADDITION, if every bloody soul out there who KNOWS we are DYING, we would have spent each day to the fullest. I don’t see that happening- majority seem to be hooked on the nose and being led by some bastard.Most people take the new day for granted. celaka.

So now.. so now.. I have to apologise. because it’s the fucking right thing to do. to make another smile. to make the other feel better. and dang it. JUST BECAUSE indeed.

INDEED.

Sigh. After a good two hours, it is easy to anticipate what I would say. In the end, I’ll come down to admitting that not greeting hello to elderly is not nice at all, for they are elderly-s. I’ll come down to also saying that people don’t like the idea of death and talking about dying so casually could make one really uncomfortable and possibly angry. I’ll come down to admitting too that death can take away valuable and priceless treasures from us, me and them.

banging the head against the wall.