I’m not sure whether you have come across this situation or rather experienced this sort of awkwardness that you can’t really explain. It’s that time when you are surrounded by the type of people you might regard as your “equal” only to find out that they aren’t really there to support you. So you have that feeling of uncertainty, which part of them that you “belong” to. Of course,in the end, you’d find out that you don’t belong to any.

Some friends tag along because they know you’re all-that and you could help them in whatever they are not good at. Some friends tag along because you are simply just so easy to be with. Some friends come and go bidding a hi and bye along the way. Some friends are just too far and don’t speak to you but when you do meet them again, there are simply loads to talk about. Some friends carry with them a boundary where you only get to know them whatever they want you to know – nothing else.  But most friends just simply don’t understand. And it’s the friend that understands you the most the hardest to find, keep and lose.

I’d say I never wanted to be compared with them. I might portray that attitude at times – to beat the shit out of everyone in whatever they do so I can be the top at everything – utterly selfish. But if I were to tell you that all I have ever wanted and done was and would always be to have myself better than myself that existed yesterday and the days before, would you get it?

So, I give 100% out there – to whoever and whatever I encounter. You’d see my best and you’d like it. You’d want to “hang out” with me. But as I give 70% or 50% or less % of my attention to you, you’d start to wonder why and start to conjure all sort of mind-boggling reasons for my…well, behaviour. Proves again, you don’t understand.

So I helped because I know how and what to do. We’d be friends because you know I’m the key. But when I don’t have the answers but you do, you’d pretend that you don’t know and put on a face, slowly and persuasively convincing me that I’m alone in this. Hm.

It’s a reflection that I’m seeing now – that in the end it’s really up to me. There’s no you in this because every you that exist has the potential to make me not me. Every good intention has to be covered with a slight malice or at least a boundary.

I’ve found my best friend though – the one that is hard to find, keep and lose. I only realise it was easy to find her. She was there all along. She’s standing in front of me through that mirrored glass – the one easy to keep and easy to also lose.

And so she wrote this not very long ago.